Shinoske's Shuffle Part 1

If you only knew the struggles I have faced to get this podcast here. I really hope you enjoy this because I have lost sleep over this TWICE.

Shinoske's Shuffle Part 1

Possiblities

I hate to jump straight out of the blogging gate with something pseudo deep, but I gotta do what I gotta do. I was thinking a lot about what is possible for me to achieve in life. I have had a rough month and a half, and this really shook my world harder than the earthquakes in Japan. It affected me so much that it made me question the decisions that I have made over the past two years. There is nothing like financial instability and unemployment with bills and responsibilities to lock you inside a little cage inside of your head and make you reevaluate life as you know it. Even now as I am starting to settle on stable ground, I can't help but see my world differently.

I suppose I feel very much like the aftermath of an earthquake. The immediate danger is over, but I am still left to pick up the pieces of a destroyed outlook of what was and rebuild the outlook of the world around me into something that I am comfortable with. The issue now is, should I just rebuild using the plans that I had in place before or come up with a new design. My heart wants me to choose the latter, but my head can't grasp how this is possible. I put myself on a course, engaged auto-pilot, and blew out the control panel. I could attempt to take manual control of the helm, but my ship so entrenched in a minefield that any changes in direction at this point will lead to serious continual damage. Hence, I am stuck thinking about the possibilities of what could be while remaining on a path to a destination that I am not sure I want to go to anymore.

My old and dear friend came to visit me a couple of weeks ago, and she really made me reflect on what could be. It's not that she has the most perfect life, but I still commend her for forging her own path and making what she does have work. She is truly an inspiration to me because when she left the city of Memphis back in 2004, she set her eyes on a prize and did not look back. Everything wasn't sunshine and rainbows, but she worked through her struggles and she survived. She still hasn't reached her final destination, but I know she is happy with the journey that she is taking along the way. That journey is something that I desperately wish I could take. Sometimes I wonder how life would have turned out for me if I did the same thing as her. I wish I could have left Tennessee and set off to find my place in life. I may not have had money or the security that family provides, but I would have at least been free to find my path without the influence and suppression that this city imbued me.

From the outside looking in, people may think that I have everything together. I am working on a master's degree in education, I have a job (if a certain school district stops dragging their crippled feet), and a house. These things are nice, but sometimes I feel trapped by all of them. If I only didn't feel so compelled to have my life together as quickly as possible, I would never have chosen to embark on a master's, which means that I would never have stumbled into a field which lead me to my current job, which allows me to pay for a house. I don't say this to complain and say that my life sucks. I am very thankful for all of the things that I have because I know that a lot of people can't claim half of what I have. I just wish that I was 100% behind what I was working towards, and the unfortunate revelation is that I am not. So again, I am trapped inside myself wondering what if.

The worst part of it all is that I can't fathom what I could possibly do with my life other than what I am doing now. I don't know if going through the motions has gradually wiped my mind of what would ultimately make me happy, but I have enough clarity to know that what I am doing now isn't it. At the moment, I find it hard to be certain about anything. This includes my relationship with the people around me. I can't help but wonder who I could have forged relationships with if I made bolder moves earlier in life. I wonder who would still be my friend if they knew me as I know myself. I wonder about the people that I haven't met and may never get a chance to meet.

I really hope that alternate realities exist because I want to hold on to the hope that there is at least one version of me that is taking life by the reins and steering himself towards a destination that will really make him happy. I will just have to continue this on-rails game of life until I can: A) Figure out how to break free of this control scheme and B) Plot a course towards a new destination of my choosing. Until then, I just have to keep hope alive that this is at least possible.